


You make my Heart beat

by AlexVaz01, MyFairAlice



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Collaboration, F/F, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-17 21:18:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13667478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexVaz01/pseuds/AlexVaz01, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFairAlice/pseuds/MyFairAlice
Summary: One fateful school day, she passes through the gates with a plan. And a lot of anxiety.To ruin their friendship. And be lovers instead.





	1. Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by AlexVaz01

Palming the wood in the dark, touching cables, chargers, the cold screen; suddenly horizontal disappears and my hands fall free; I push through sleep and nerves, though fears and insecurities and I manage to touch a knob, I count them up and down, three small drawers; through the first to the second and opening the last one; inside there’s a mess of half haphazardly folded clothes, little treasures and finally the crunchy feel and sound of plastic in the end; I lightly and carefully grab the content until I feel the solid thorns sting the tip of my fingers, I move them around just inches, hissing under my breath and I take it out.

It isn’t the first time that night when I grab the two roses – one green, one blue – the smell feels familiar but strangely it’s not at the same time, I know it by memory, the form, the placement of the thorns and how each petal is placed, I can remember vividly the moment I found myself paying for them, without even thinking about it, after class one day when Peridot couldn’t accompany me, all alone giving wild bucks I managed to safe up for weeks of not eating breakfast or buying snacks in school breaks, everything for no reason, now turning into buying a Valentine’s gift for my sweetheart.

It was just the spur of the moment, it was just the fact those two were placed just together, just peacefully, like yellow resting just in the crook of the first petal, just like the blonde that afternoon, resting in the place just between my neck and shoulder, peacefully breathing away, almost snoring, falling deep into a short slumber, nuzzling just close enough to make me force my whole body not to turn the deepest shade of red I know, but with just enough distance to not make it awkward, not to make me become a human heater and babble my words for more than a week; we had eaten and we escaped, Steven went on a break date with a friend named Connie, so we were alone, after eating our food we walked together, reaching the staircase just before our lockers, my phone vibrated just one second, a message from my Steven, I didn’t check it, I knew he would be teasing me, even if I could tease him right back with her, but I didn’t check more than the time, we still had twenty minutes, so I sat, my back on the wall and she watched me, she stared at me and I lost myself in those green eyes, those deep forest windows, bringing me so deep into her, it was a trance, it was a trip, encompassed by the trees, basking in their color, trapped between the light passing, every possible shade of them passing by in front of my vision but being so quiet and calm in there, she moved, but she was also unmoving, she moved her mouth but I couldn’t hear a thing, it was her muscles just moving, just in the corner of her beautiful, perfect, green eyes, she pulled me, she came closer, she turned her head away and she took away my door to paradise, tearing me from this step to heaven and leaving me in a trance, a dance, a place, a weird one, for a second, she came oh just so close and whispered something, maybe what happened, sitting by my side; the primal forces of the universe pulled us together and she just came, her head reaching in my shoulder, her hair gracing my naked neck and she just bei–

**_*Beep Beep Beep*_ **

I jump up in bed, the roses flying from my hands just a bit, I grab them a little tighter and the sting of wooden thorns dig into the heels of my hands, not deep enough to draw blood but enough for me to curse under my breath; I press the button of my lamp and it lights up my whole room, a mess of clothes and text books on the ground, my last drawer still open, letting me store the two flowers carefully in the back once again.

My phone shows 6:15 a.m. when I take the first careful steps outside of my room, I don’t want to wake my mom so, as every morning, I sneak all the way to the bathroom on the tip of my toes, closing the door from the inside and shredding my clothes as soon as the doorknob clicks; a glance in the mirror makes me see my tanned skin and my messy blue hair, I can see some brunette roots just at my scalp, but I still have time to dye them without anyone noticing. I jump under the shower immediately and the water engulfs my body, first cold as ice, waking me up from the last remnants of Morpheus’s spell, then it becomes just the perfect degree of hot, I start cleaning myself, hyperconscious of everything, especially the date, February 14th, Valentine’s Day, the chance to confess to a tiny, cute and perfect little nerd.

It was 4 months ago when my pull to her was just unbearable, I had just finished my classificatory laps for the state’s 200mt freestyle swimming competence, I ended up as second without a sweat, I didn’t even try my best – maybe a little cocky on my part but water, this water raining over me in the shower, is simply my element. When I climbed out of the pool I could see a blur of yellow run through the stands, it could’ve been anything, but it wasn’t, I grabbed my towel, an electric blue contrasting with the more “standard” color of my hair, dripping free now that it was out of the cap, I walked a few steps and there she was, in all her nerdy, out of place self, she looked like nothing that should belong there and even with that she was the most perfect thing, she beamed light, she captured everything, her blonde hair, her insecure posture, the way she just lit up when she saw me, the way her arms moved from crossed to open, calling me in for a hug, the way she smiled, wide, inviting, like a star, her words, the usual congratulations but from her mouth they’re sounding just so, so sweet, her warm embrace pulling me even closer, her clothes hiding it but her slim form tightly pressed, her stick of arms around my neck, her chest pressed against my body, her… whole self congratulating me in more ways than on-

“Lapis? Are you alright?” The voice of my mom pulls me once again from my thoughts, “You aren’t singing,” She fast forwards over my unasked question.

“I’m fine, give me two minutes,” I clean the shampoo out of my hair and jump out of the shower; I dry off my feet and legs and wrap myself in the same humid towel, long steps later I am hidden safely in my room, ten minutes later I am walking to our kitchen, a long sleeved purple shirt, slim black pants, jeans tight on my skin and my trusty, old blue sneakers, I feel … comfortable enough to do what I planned, I go over my plan once and again, resting my back on the corner as I wait for my toasts and drink my coffee, I grab my backpack and smile at the familiar sound of the pin moving, I go through my drawer and I hide away the roses before slinging the bag over my shoulder, I kiss my mom on the forehead and go through the threshold of my house.

The sky is still black, some stars are whispering their last breath, a single, thin stray line of blue appears deep behind, just in the place the horizon is born; The moon shines onto me, white, full, smiling like a rabbit, just like the midnight sun, it is beautiful, isn’t it, Peri?.

Today is the day, my day, your day… Our day.

Today I’ll confess to you.

Walking to school doesn’t take long, hands in my pocket, streets practically empty, I know it is the time for people to get to their work, but I dodge every important street, trying to be a shadow, I just see a few cats, lying around, jumping from place to place, I walk with my earbuds in, little pieces of music blasting through from my phone, my mouth whistling the beats up and down as I cross streets until the tall building appears in front of me as I turn in a corner.

I check my phone, 7:45 a.m. on the clock as I sit on the stairs, usually we meet up here early in the morning, we see each other, we wave and talk, about how did we slept, what are we are wearing, a random dream or piece of trivia, us being happy, she talking as freely as she can, I’m gushing about every single detail in my mind, her words, the tone, the melodic sound of her voice, neither too high nor low, just enough to keep me awake at night, her clothes, how she manages to make everything look so cool, how she looks so gorgeous in anything, I swear to god, she could make a full bunny suit look perfect on her, the hair, crowning her reigning sun in the skies, that shade of yellow that people dye their hair for, the weird style she keeps – maybe “keep” isn’t the word but more like, is forced to wear, since her hair can’t be calmed.

I check the phone again, 7:49 a.m. Peridot is about to turn in that corner… Now.

...

She isn’t there.

The clock ticks, 7:50 a.m. Well, it’s not the first time this has happened, she has been late before, but… she always tells me before, I mean, a little call, some throw away message the night before, something. She always does something.

She’s always here, oh why she isn’t she.

7:51 a.m.

Anxiety is like a ball, maybe like an iron one? It sinks there, in your gut, it’s a bad feeling, it’s the calling that something bad is definitely going to happen, it stays there and then keeps going deeper and deeper, sinks like teeth, tearing and flaring and just so deep, it hurts.

7:52 a.m.

It’s so bad, it’s like you made all the wrong choices, it’s the instant regret and also you just try to justify yourself, you check your phone, you ask yourself maybe I accidently changed the time? You try to find a logical explanation that’s not logic anymore; you try to combat the anxiety’s fire with your own.

7:53 a.m.

Okay, okay Lapis, calm down, Peri’s going to be fine, she’s going to turn around there at every second, maybe… She’s just stuck in traffic– No, she doesn’t come by car, she walks here, maybe she overslept… Nah, she never does. Maybe she told me she’ll be in another place, maybe she told me last night, was she coughing? Was she even sick… She got wet a week ago… Maybe she said something to me, I check the chat and I see the clock ticking.

7:54 a.m.

Why did I choose today? Why did I have to pick the most overused cliché of all books? Valentine’s Day… What a joke, I should have never EVER picked this time to confess; Peridot, my Peri, where the hell are you? I should call her and get her homework if something happened to her… No? That’s what best friends do for their crushe– Best friends… Best friends, maybe I should settle for that… At least speed dial is a blessing and I just need to press 7 for so long.

It rings four times and she picks up, something in my gut flares up, it is a mix of more and different anxiety, the warm feeling of her sounds, her panting breath, the blush creeping up in my chee- Her panting breath?

“Peri, Where are you?!” I almost scream into my phone's microphone, “Are you sick?”; She mumbles a mess of jumbled words, I just understand “overslept” in the middle of them before she hangs up; a cold monotonous beep rings in my ears as I just stare blankly at the corner where she should have appeared 5 minutes ago.

So, let’s settle things, she’s indeed coming, she’ll be late but I’ll see her, she just continued being asleep more than she intended, that means… I’ll see her, I’m late too, I should run to class to be honest. I’m running to class right now; dodging bodies left and right bodies moving at their regular speed, I open my locker in a hurry, “2605” I take hold of the first pair of notebooks in there and I close it in a hurry. I break into full throttle once again, reaching the class’s door just a few moments before the rings’ sound.

My classmates say hi, I just politely wave them as I walk to the closer desktop close to the window, I like to daydream as much as I can during class… Even in math… Specially in math, I drift off as I see Ms. Barriga walk into the room, my body stands by itself, like an already programmed robot and then I sit down; the sky holds less stary holes and with a lot more blue, the mountains in the horizon have the first showings of clear sun’s yellow.

What’s the plan now? My chin rests in the palm of my hand, my elbow on the table and the voice of the teacher just a quiet, albeit a little bit bothering, buzz in the background, the colors of the scene outside high school start to blur, melt into each other as my inner thoughts start to flash over them. What’s the plan now?

I lost already lost the first chance, asking her as soon as school starts, before having the chance of anyone trying to steal her sweet, perfect heart from me, to rip it from my desperate, needy grasp. Cons: I don’t have the punch of just being woken up, my ability to make decisions with enough sleep in my body to consciously make them but not enough for the uncertainty caused by fear to stop them. Pros: I might do something better now, something planned, maybe after lunch? That way I have the time for an elaborate plan? Cons: I won’t have Steven to speak my mind if things go south, big con to be brutally honest... Pros: I’ll be able to run away earlier if she tells me my feelings aren’t returned. Cons… do I have more cons? Pros: I can insinuate some things during the breaks… See if something works! I can see her during bio and ponder over her pretty… gorgeous… beautiful face while I prepare a speech of love… Maybe this was good, maybe the gods are in my side after al–

“Ms. Lazuli, would it bother you to pay attention?” A shadow is casted over me; I turn very, very slowly, knowing full well what I am going to see; Mrs. Barriga, her hands in her hips and her feet tapping on the floor. I don’t focus on her face, I keep my eyes on her jaw, I definitely don’t want to see her angry scowl.

“Sorry…” I mumble the words quickly, trying to mask the lie with that, she just keeps walking, explaining very boring, basic math for the rest of the time. Maybe I should pay attention? Yeah… That would get me off from a few scares like this, I roll my sleeves up and I get ready for my intense search of knowledge.

The bell rings again, I would have liked to go out the door faster than I actually could, but… people actually like me, I mean, being the ace of the swimming team has it perks but, especially today, I don’t like it. It is just a humming buzzing in my ears, saying empty words, interested or anything else, maybe I heard a few happy valentines, but I don’t want those, I just want to see Peridot; I walk a few minutes later and there she is. Her satchel slung over her shoulder, the green, neon, lightly fluorescent one, it’s like a lighthouse, calling me close, asking me to walk towards her, as I do I notice the shirt and can’t help but snicker about it, the white contrasting with another tone of green and the black lining little alien faces all over her shirt, I knew it was a great choice when I saw it in the store, just the perfect size, hugging her figure just enough to make it perfect for my eyes, but also so nerdy… So Peridot, oh god, I need to stop gushing about her before I get to her brown long cargo pants, I could see her move books and notepads in and out of her backpack as I walk closer, she isn’t looking sad but she isn’t smiling, she has like this strange face, I can’t quite put my finger on it but she looks so cute at the same time it is hard not to greet her as always.

“Hi Peri,” I say, closing our distance with a few steps, I notice a little shiver in her back, maybe a little jump? I’m not sure, what’s certain though is that there’s something unusual going on.

“Hi Lapis, how are you?” Her voice… Oh her voice, is like the song of sirens minus the dangerous part, it’s the sweetest melody one can experience, it’s… her. I stand by her side as she keeps preparing her satchel.

“Fine. Ms. Barriga did this really boring class, Do you wanna know?” I try to lighten the mood a little with the most innocent question I could think of, since my blonde companion still seems a little weird.

“Sure… Shoot,” she mumbles… What? Did she really mumble her words? Usually she screams those, she publishes them to the four winds, she never whispers… What happened Peridot? You oversleep, you tremble in my presence, you talk under your breath…

“We had math and she spent 45 minutes trying to-” she keeps taking books and other stuff in and out, maybe she had something happened at in her house… she never acts like this, is she intentionally avoiding me?, “Explain this easy problem… Are you listening to me, Peri?”

 

She keeps fidgeting with her fingers, her eyes looking to the ground, she wasn’t even focusing on what I was telling, I know it as soon as she opens her mouth once again, she turns around and smiles, lightly, at me, is the most beautiful image you can ever imagine “Sounds fun.”

“... Are you okay?” I stop, my friend did it by my side, she nods, then she looks everywhere before looking me directly in the eyes for just the scrap of a second.

They look so green.

And then it doesn’t look like anything anymore.

Have you ever felt how time around you just speeding up? Like they are running at a thousand miles per hour and you are the slowest turtle in the world? Like everything is running so fast and you are just trapped in this space… bubble, time bubble where time doesn’t exist.

Peri falls to her knees and just a few seconds later, she runs.

I try to catch her, maybe too late? She is outside my grasp, I run, as fast as I can but it is still so slow, it’s like pacing in honey, in something pulling me, I am just behind her, what happened, what happened Peridot!? What did I do, did I fuck up? I mean, we talked yesterday… Did I do something to deserve the cold shoulder? I mean, there have been countless times when I’ve fell asleep without saying goodbye? But what now! Why now? You never act like this, never…

I turn in the corner.

Peridot isn’t there.

She just… isn’t there, disappeared, went away, just not here anymore, and there’s a thousand different doors she could have entered, I won’t be able to check every door before the break to ends, so I just… keep appearance, walking in a clear line and turning at the stairs. The sun hits me in the eyes, a clear wide shot through the glass, the window; I stare and keep in a straight line, resting my elbows on the border.

The city looks so peaceful there, at the high school exit, I can see her and me walking together, both of us, sharing the same kind of talk we were just having in the corridor… Did something happen? I mean… Peridot wouldn’t be distressed like this without reason, no? Something at her house, anything really important happening in her life? Did she fight with Steven? Or with me and I can’t even remember it? I mean, there’s no other reason she’d act like that to a simple are you okay; she isn’t a coward, she’s anxious but she always faces the problems head-on, unless it’s about us, her frien… Shit.

Peridot is angry at me.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shi-

The bell rings again, I have to run all the way to my Spanish class, ask Mr. Muñoz to let me pass in it anyway and stare at the stupid pronouns and verbs. Spanish is kinda hard when you don’t get a hold of it and you feel like floating between the words and pronunciation and all Spanish things related, erase that, this language is hard regardless, especially when you can’t help but fall asleep.

The bell starting my next break wakes me up. I walk outside groggily, my head just a jumbled mess, maybe I dreamt of something after an almost sleepless night. I just can remember that Peridot was in front of my mind once I stumble along all over the corridor, slowly, surely of my steps, of the tiredness that made me advance that slowly.

Once I get outside the room, my hand on my forehead and my eyes on the ground, I am welcomed by this loud, bothering snicker, like the sound of a surprise party, except this time not made by the people you care about and not at all welcomed; A bunch of people were expecting me, some of them carried a few gifts, both guys and gals (maybe some non-binary pals?) wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day, the fifteen minutes when I know where Peridot will go, our only shared bio class, I have to spend it with people that truly don’t know me at all, cards, chocolate, handwritten confession or just plain words from people either I either don’t even know or I never shared an important, actually significant conversation with; Why? Because I am the “cute” (their words, not mine) swimming team captain, the only girl openly bi in the entire school? Why? What do they see in me? I’m just a tanned girl, with the worst kind of humor and hair; I don’t even like meaningless relationships. I don’t have any physical appeal, at least in my eyes… And I just have those for one blonde girl that isn’t around.

That damned sound plays once again after I make my way through the sea of people and store the unwanted gifts in the depths of my locker, all the time just one thought keeps me going. Peridot will be in my next class, maybe we can speak, maybe I can get an explanation for her actions or at least get to know if she’s angry… She usually can’t be in the same room than that person if she’s really angry and if she’s forced to she won’t stop looking them, with an angry, furious and outright murderous look on her face.

I run into the classroom (What is happening today, all this running, what a blessing I still have a good physical statue after all the swimming I’ve done) and slow down as soon as I see the door being closed. I hate being late, do you know that? I just hate having to walk down the shame path, everyone staring at me, directly at my eyes, judging every step, it’s like this dance where they remind you of every mistake you’ve made, like the Shame Walk in Game of Thrones (Get over it, the books are better) but without the nudity, and the bell instead, and without being the Shame Walk but is the same feeling… Even worse, Peridot is in there too... Oh god.

I don’t even have the strength to hit the door, I just step right inside.

I want to run, to run and hide at my desk, under it and not being seen anymore, but I just walk, seeing Peri like this would be a suicide, emotional suicide, so I just… Don’t do it, I just keep walking. Past her, without a word, without certainty, without even knowing how angry is she is with me, is she glaring or is she seething? Is she about to kill me with her eyes? No. I can’t do it again, at least after this we have lunch and we can talk… and fix stuff… And I can give her my gift, hiding safe inside my backpack.

But now, I’m ready for a bio class… Peri has always found me said I’m a natural, but… I just feel like it’s logic, how it works its inner-workings… How everything goes… And I can’t help but love it. It’s really fun… But.

Can you imagine yourself drifting out into space? Nope, bad analogy…

Hmm.

Can you think of yourself watching a total sun eclipse? You want to tear your eyes away but it has its center of visual gravity, you wanna see so much, maybe how your friends react or something else, but you can’t?

That right there, that’s Peridot.

I mean, I do like… maybe even love Biology, but today of all days, she calls for me so strongly, I just… can only tear my eyes away from her for mere seconds before focusing my attention to her, maybe because she is angry and I am afraid and my eyes want to calm her down, to ask her over and over, Peridot please forgive me, maybe it is because now I actually understand my feelings, this tether, this everything that ties us up, we meeting by chance, being introduced by Steven and bonding over CPH, endless nights or even complete weekends where all we did was watch episodes, eat pizza, discuss things and sleep over at her house or even at mine. Things with her just happen, naturally, like… Nothing but also everything, she just has this way… this thing in herself, she makes things happen around… she makes me dance at her speed and whenever she wants, I’m just… I find myself drawn to her, closer and closer and closer… always.

Like now.

I really want to pay attention, you know? I live and die for this class, I love explaining and helping my blonde friend, anything she doesn’t get, just like she does with math, I actually like learning and when we talk about aquatic stuff or oceans… Oh god it’s amazing. But Peridot… what are you doing to me. I just can’t tear my eyes away, are you mad, are you angry, will you say no? How would it feel to kiss those lips agai- Stop Lapis, don’t turn into a useless bisexua… But with her in there it’s so hard; it’s even harder to keep my eyes away from her and at the page in my open notebook.

Fuck.

I don’t have notes.

I mean, yes, my brain has been typing mindlessly during this whole time, maybe typing is not the exact word I’d use, it’s more like scribbling… and it’s not letters but hearts… And Peri’s face all over the page.

I should be writing something about the interesting DNA sequencing...  but no, there are a thousand little drawings, her hair, her eyes, her nose, her smile, the little dimples in the corner of her lips when she laughs, the freckles that lightly paint her milky skin, the ones that I’ve seen so close… When I could feel her lips on mine just for a secon- STOP IT LAPIS, my hands palm the side of my head, as if trying to stop this freight unstoppable train. It’s like trying to hold a whole dam with just my hands, I try and try and I just can’t do it. Peridot is everything in my mind, her nose, curling up just a bit at its really round top, her beautiful eyes that charm me so close, her fluffy hair I just want to dig my hands into so much, over and over like I’ve done countless times these last few months, in our little secret dat- days watching CPH, when she gets oh so close and I can even count her freckles, it’s not like a sea of them, I’ve love those… I still do, but Peri has just these four on her left cheek, they are so clear, pale as her skin, they are placed like a square, more to the side of her ear, I’d love to kiss them, to run my fingers over it, to cradle her cheeks in my hands and to slowly but surely get close, feel her breath on mine and… LAPIS you are doing it again, I tear my eyes slowly from her once again and now the previously clean, white page is a mess, one big drawing, her eyes capturing me, her haywire hair everywhere, her precious smile again, her slender neck and the top of her shoulders, she’s just… too cute. She makes me malfunction, she makes me think just of her, she has gravity and it’s more than Earth’s itself, because she pulls me even deeper, her eyes not staring back, the back of her head, the side, her ear I just want to feel lightly brush my skin, herself, her whole neck, fully between my arms as we grow closer…

Oh god I need to do it.

I’m too in over my head right now, just watching her ear is pulling me into this lovey-dovey self…

I’m going to pull Peri by her arm, I’m going to take her away, far away, the roof, some stairwell, anywhere, I’m going to take her far off the reach of anyone and I’m going to spill all the words that are caught in my throat, promises of caring and loving, letting me jump over it, over the fear and the anxiety, the fact that she can still say No to my request… The fact that everything can go badly, the fact that she’s angry with me, furious, or maybe not because she didn’t even look at me, but what if she knows I’ll be staring and she just doesn’t want our eyes to cross… I need to take her far away and give her the two roses I have stored. I palm inside my backpack and I feel them there, the thorns lightly touching my skin, it hurts just a little bit, but not enough to make it really bothering. I just have to do this; I just have to take her away and… Tell her, everything, how I feel, how she makes me feel, what I want, hey Peridot I want to be your girlfriend, because that’s everything that’s been on my mind lately… But just saying it out-loud is so hard.

So, plan time, I take Peridot far away and we walk towards… anywhere, I take out the roses and tell her what I’ve scribbled over my notebook over and over again, I like you, I’m actually falling so deep for you and I want to be your girlfriend, I might even show her or tell her how many hearts I dre-

The cursed bell once again, loud and interrupting my mental train dead in its tracks.

I take my eyes away from my messy drawings for just a second and there I see her, she’s just starting to open the door, push herself out of my way, disappearing. And then she does it.

Her eyes find mine.

It’s just green, pure, unadulterated green. I must have you all tired with how much I’ve talked about it but, have you seen it? I know you haven’t but how I wish you had, it’s this deep shade of a forest, but it’s also not as deep, it has a charm, it pulls me in, it has a gravity, it looks like these lakes where the water is crystal clear but it’s also somewhat green too? Just on the surface and it looks perfect, they just fit there, oh so good, they are… this changing amazing shade, always a different shade, the light, the sun giving them so many different colors but also being the same all the time, makes her face look so familiar but so different, they are there a second and then they just… call me out, I just wanna kiss her, I just wanna have her between my arms and see her eyes, I just want another kis– I just wanna cuddle with her and watch her eyes light my way until infinity, drown in them, drown in her… I just wanna sleep and see them first thing in the morning, I wanna melt in her, in them, I wanna swim in the pool of her love, I just… need them in my life. But they also push me away, because I can’t think straight when I’m under their spell, because they charm me, because they call me, because I become this awkward, insecure mess when I see myself reflected in them… but now. Now I just wanna cradle her face and say the words, I just wanna seal her lips and watch the surprise in those two perfect emeralds she calls eyes; I’m so ready, I’m going to do it.

And then she runs.

It’s immediate, like the other time, it’s the same image, her not being there out of nowhere, just when our looks cross, and it sinks in, the realization. Peridot is mad with me for something I did, maybe I was making fun of Ms. Barriga and she likes her? Did I forget an important date… Her birthday was days ago, we were chatting like normal yesterday, we had the… Fuck… What did I do.

I’m left alone in the room, I can swear I’m in the same position as I was when she began running, my notepad still opened and her drawing still facing the air, a breeze comes through and a blank page stares at me for a solid minute before I close it, with fury and anger, slamming my hand to the table and almost screaming, it’s the uncertainty, it weighs like a black hole in your stomach, it’s seeing all your plans go to the dumpster, I just want her to know how I feel about her, how strongly she’s making me feel about her whole self, how… how she has me wrapped around her little finger and how hard it is for me right now to keep those feelings in check; but now she’s angry, I fucked it up and she’s angry… I lost my chance, these roses will wither and then die, just as this moment, gone through time. I need to find Peridot at least… I need to see her and talk things through, if I’m not able to even tell her how I feel today I will not pass Valentine’s Day without telling Peridot how much I love her, how much I like her and how much I want to be in a relationship with her, if I’m not able to do that at least… Then I’ll fix this.

First of all, where to go? Cafeteria… Everyone has to eat after all, no?

Friday cafeteria before the last hours of class and the start of the weekend is hell, full with people, food flying, insults and loud screams. And people turning around to see me once in a while. I get slowly get my food and I scan everywhere, where is she? Peridot, where are you eating, I walk towards the place we always take and I can only see curly hair, I hope he doesn’t notice me and I can still look for Peridot without any explanati-

“Lapis!”

Steven… Why?

He’s waving his hand and I have to go over there, and sit and crane my neck and watch everyone, searching Peridot over and over.

I make a lazy bun and start to eat a little, listening Steven say a few things but I can’t focus, I can just keep stabbing my food with a fork and eat, watching lazily everywhere I can to find that perfect blonde hair; minutes pass and I keep the same routine, eating angrily, trying to understand what is my friend is saying, but failing miserably at it, wishing for Peridot to just appear and talk with me… Reminiscing of every good thing… Every good moment, we’ve shared over the past months thanks to this guy. What did I do to deserve this from her? Where did I make a mistake? She wasn’t acting like everything was right last night so… it might be that? Did I do something even before? I keep going through our earliest memories, clashing in the corridors, being presented by Steven, talking about CPH and our little watching marathons, I remember how good it feels to be so close, I remember how I fell for her slowly and how I realized I was actually falling so deep for her, a slow morning, a cold one, my cheeks warming as soon as she turns in the corner, my breath hitching and I’m just staring her, how does she make even the most loose of parkas look… Hot? If I were an anime character I would be bleeding out from my nose with all the images that flashed in my eyes at the second, and then when she kissed my cheek, and hugged me a little saying hi, how I flared up, it was like heat burning my whole body. I was so in over my head for her… at the moment… and now it’s even worse.

But she’s angry and she doesn’t appear anywhere… and I need her, time is going by so fast and she doesn’t appear.

Please, Peridot, let me fix this… please… please appear, you aren’t here right now, you need to eat, please please, open that door right now.

But that doesn’t happen.

And then my vision gets obscured completely.

“WHAT?!” I scream in surprise at the cold hands pressing against my cheeks and covering my eyes.

“You aren’t giving me any attention.” Steven’s voice is warm and full of wonderful care and his hands still are over my eyes, but now his chest is pressed against the back of my head and he’s hugging me, “Did something happen with Peridot?”

I try not to stammer, “W-w-what are you saying?” I fail miserably.

“She's not here and you are glaring at the door, if you had heat vision you’d burn a hole into the middle of it,” he starts to number his reasons and I can’t help but giggle a bit, I’m a little obvious it seems, “You have your angry scowl but also your worried eyes, you are distracted and you are head over heels for her… It’s Valentine’s Day too… Did you confess and she said no?” The last part has a worried tone as his hands get off of my eyes.

“STEVEN YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE HER!” I’m a coward… I haven’t even told anyone about my feelings, about her just out of fear of rejection… How did Steven know all about it?

“Lapis, you glow when she’s around, you have those cute little lovey-dovey eyes all the time when she sees you or not, you go on your CPH dates and you… You are like a couple, it’s pretty obvious, you know?”

“Do you think she knows...?” My voice deflates in the last seconds.

“I don’t know… she’s pretty oblivious about the whole feelings things… But I didn’t think a confession would go wron-”

“I haven’t confessed yet.”

“What happened?” His voice jumps from joking to serious in one second, his hands cradling mine and his knees giving up.

“She’s just… been acting weird… She’s run from me all day long… I’m so ready to confess to her and she just runs from me… I don’t know what happened… She’s never acted this weird around me… Well… Just once… just that one tim… I shouldn’t have said that” I just have this bad habit when Steven is sitting like this, I feel this aura like he’s protecting me and I just run my mind, talking… saying anything that’s coming through.

“Please Lapis… Tell me, I wanna know.”

“It’s just… It was a late afternoon, sun was starting to fall down and I had to walk to my home from hers… She was at her laptop and I walked towards her, just to kiss her cheek lightly and say goodbye, I whispered the words and tried to close the space quickly and then run away down the stairs… but… she turned, maybe to kiss my cheek as well and we just… gave each other a peck…” I just mutter under my breath, hidden away, sounds being drained of all meaning and behind the curtain of screams there’s a cafeteria on Friday’s lunch.

“Go on,” Steven’s voice gives me a blanket of help… enough for me to keep talking with him.

“Things were… pretty awkward for a week or so, maybe even more… It's never being like that since that moment… so… maybe I fucked something up and she doesn’t want anything to do with me… She might be angry… She might not like me and she’s avoiding me because she doesn’t want to break my heart… I don’t know Steven… I just don’t know.”

“Did you enjoy the kiss? How did it feel?” His questions leave me perplexed, I move my eyes from the cold white ground and focus them on his, with a questioning look, “Answer me please Lapis.”

“It was… indescribable, the best feeling of my life, it burned hot but it was also so short, it’s like the most precious memory, it’s sweet and salty and so long and yet so short, it’s like the taste of your favorite food made ten thousand times better, it’s just as sweet as pure sugar mixed with warm milk and honey, it’s just… Oh so perfect… I enjoyed it so much and since that day I haven’t spent a night without thinking how it would it feel to kiss her every morning…”

“Then you know what you have to do, no?” He kisses my forehead, slowly, as the bell rings again.

“Thank you Steven.” I whisper, picking up my bag and walking away.

“Everything will go well! Tell me tomorrow!” He screams at my back, I can’t help but giggle at his words as I keep walking towards the last floor and the art room.

The room is empty when I get there; Vidalia makes her way from the door quickly. No other student crosses the threshold and she just sits there, in the window, and watches the life go by; She’s like that, she doesn’t care about attendance, just about a project monthly, she’ll come at the last hour of every Friday and help and talk with any student of her class that actually wants to work in there, if they want to be in the cafeteria, or library, or trying to escape school, she doesn’t care, “You are old enough to make your own choices, that’s also art.” She’s always said that… I feel like she’s right and wrong at the same time… I do enjoy her company though, the quiet atmosphere, being the only class on the last lesson that day that has its classroom on the last floor, how I can feel her breath and I can even hear how my brush lightly makes sounds against the canvas if I don’t say anything, it helps me a lot, thinking, muttering, her being there and doing the motions of smoking an invisible cigar, her back resting up against the chalkboard and her head falling to the said, her blonde hair locks falling over her eyes and giving her this aura of not caring… I might even admire her, she’s strong, cool, she’s everything I’m not in some things, but she’s also similar on others.

I hear the ruffling of my pencil on the canvas as I watch the outside, I’m done for the month, my project already finished, so I’m here just to relax, I have an hour and some minutes to draw and paint anything my brain desires… And since I need to relax I just let my hands mindlessly do a scribble over the white, my eyes focused on the outside, at how people seem like these small dots on the ground, I can still figure out who is who but they also seem so small… perspective is a beautiful thing.

And I try to find solid ground, to sort through all my feelings.

I wanna talk with Peridot, what will happen with that? I don’t know right now. What if she’s angry with me…? I have to find out why she is, but I can’t figure it out for myself… I will ask her then. What if she’s sick or something happened at her house? I should take her to a park and buy an ice cream for her… I might be able to keep her company and make things better… Either way after this I need to find her once again… I need to look for her and see her.

What if I can confess then? How will it be?

Am I just giving her the flowers? Pulling a love confession out of my ass? Saying false words like I’ll love you forever, that even when I feel that I can’t promise her? I mean… Compromises like that are hard to do… I do love her, but… Am I going too fast in this? Should that be the line I use to actually confess I like her? Do I love her or just like her? Am I saying something about it? Am I even saying even something? Maybe I can just say this it’s a friendly Valentine's Day gift?… No, Lapis, no excuses pulled from a badly written fanfic.

“Vidalia… Did you ever confess to someone?” The words are pushed through my mouth at light speed, I see her in the corner of my eye, smiling for a second before her fingers hide her lips, doing the upwards smoking motion before speaking.

“Yes. It was hard, we’re married now.” She just tells things, like her life is full of facts, it has a warm feeling behind it, but it’s just a narration too; she speaks from her mind, not her heart sometimes, but she can also be very mushy, I quite enjoy her voice and her take on life… I could certainly use her help too.

“How do you do it?” My voice rings actually, it vibrates, it fills the atmosphere and she looks at me, fully, my vision is still in the corner of my eyes as I watch a few classmates chase each other down there; she walks towards me, slowly, swaying her hips but not in a sexy way, but just in… her way, like carrying herself as the queen of her own words, Vidalia’s arm grabs my shoulder and she turns me around just a little bit.

“You just say the words.” She says, firmly, before leaving, “You need the room; I’ll close after, good luck.”

She walks away and leaves me with my canvas and 45 minutes more of “class.”

I watch my drawing and there she is, in all her glory; Peridot’s face is looking back at me, staring, she has her hair tightly drawn back, she has her empty white eyes so full, they even seem green in the texture of my white space, I can see her smile, open, full, I can see her dimples even if they are not drawn yet, I can see her nose, just so perfect in the middle of her face, I can see a crudely drawn jaw I want to pepper kisses over, I can see her lips so full of… her, I can see her neck crudely drawn and I can see her fully in the canvas.

I just don’t wanna look away, never again.

I just stare at her, or this drawing of her, until the bell rings and we’re free for this week, Valentine’s Day is over and I haven’t confessed to Peridot yet.

I walk defeated out of the room and I know Peridot is on her way back to her home, I’m not catching her up to her and I don’t even have what I need.

I just need to say the words and I don’t have them, I’ll never do.

I’m not smooth, I’m just a dork, I’m just as nerdy as her, I’m just as dorky and sappy as her, I just enjoy her so much being so similar and so different and I just don’t have them.

I walk to the rooftop and look down, I can see Steven walking and Amethyst too, I can see everyone leave as I just stare to the ground, the buses leaving, the people leaving slowly, some happy, some hand in hand, some just staring at each other.

I can see couples walking hand in hand and my hand tightens up around the roses, I just feel the thorns dig into my skin and I feel a little blood drip, just a single drop roll in my hand.

What I want the most… I can’t do it. I just don’t have the words.

Minutes, almost or maybe an hour passes. No one is around, not anymore… I still don’t have the words and I won’t see Peridot until Monday… I just… let all my plans go and I won’t have the words.

And then that little point on the ground breaks out running.

It’s yellow, warm and I know it’s her, it’s her backpack or maybe I’m just waiting, waiting for her to be, breaking and running, turning not towards her house but mine.

And in a second all my realizations break, I jump towards the stairs and break into a sprint, I know I’m faster and I have more stamina than her, I can catch her up on her, I know I can, I don’t even think about what will happen when I do, I just jump down the stairs two by two, I just break up keep running in the empty corridors, I just have one thought on my mind.

You are not getting away, Peridot.

I don’t know what to say, what to do, I want to confess, I want to spit the words out and show her how I feel, I want to be there for her. I just… want her at my side just for a moment… to hell with the words… I’ll invent them when I get to her.

My legs hurt, they sting already when I get to the high school door, but I don’t care, my backpack hits my back as I keep strolling through the streets, I’m hitting people a little but I just mutter sorry and keep going, Peridot is more important than anyone else.

I’m just a popular girl, the ace of the swimming team, I’m just the bi girl everyone looks up to, but she’s my other half, she’s the dork and the nerd, and the cuteness and she completes me, and I don’t want to finish this day without her knowing it, I wanna catch her up to her as my legs keep punishing me for it, but I won’t stop, I will never will. I gave up enough today, over and over again, every time she ran I never caught up, there were too many rooms, it was too fast and you stayed in place, no more excuses Lazuli, you are catching her, you are telling her all your feelings, you are doing this, right here right now.

She’s the cutest nerd, she’s the one that saw through all of me and she’s the one that got everything out, she’s the one that makes me smile against the face of adversity, she’s the one that makes me talk, she’s the one that makes lunch bearable, she hugs me every morning and gives me enough strength to finish the day, she sends me messages and she does everything for me… I need to show her, I have to show her, I won’t let these roses wither away, I will not let my feelings go to waste. Peridot, here I come.

I can’t see her blonde hair until I turn in a corner and there she is, like two streets away, running too. I just… Keep doing it, over and over, my arm reaching out and she’s so far away but so close, it has been like that every time this day, she’s just so close and yet so far away, just at the reach of my fingertips, but there’s a full canyon between us, I just need to do it, I just need to get over the sting of my feet, over my panting self, over everything, just a little longer, just a little more, for her, I’ve done this countless times in swimming when the price is just personal gain, this time I’m doing what I need to do, what I should have done long ago.

I keep doing it, over and over, Peridot and her blonde locks, Peridot and her green eyes, Peridot and her amazing dimples, Peridot and her perfect freckles, Peridot and her lips so sweet, Peridot and her slim neck, Peridot and her shoulders, Peridot and the shirt that hugs all the right places, Peridot and her stupid sexy cargo pants, Peridot panting, Peridot, Peridot, Peridot, just Peridot.

And how I love her.

Peridot.

And my hand catches her arm.


	2. Hiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by MyFairAlice

That’s it then.

The last corridor before being judged for my actions.

Do I really go through with this plan? Am I really that brave? Well, no, I know I’m not. I have to be though. I got to be.

Everything’s already prepared. It’d be a total waste just chickening out now. Not to mention the chaos that would ravage my heart if I didn’t.

My sleepy gaze wanders to my desk; my glasses are still set on the nightstand, so I can only make out the basic shape of the teddy bear and card that are waiting over there. Just the memory of this small brown plushie with “I love you” written on its tummy in cursive lettering … So cliché, so cute. Lapis will lov– like it just for being that, even if she would probably never admit it out loud any other case.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

This is so mushy, so sappy.

HOW DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!

I still have to write something inside the card …

It’s going to be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. In the end, I can always opt out by adding “as friends”, right? … no, that’d be a complete mess. My heart already pounds like crazy just by the thought of that, and I haven’t even left my bed yet.

This has to work. We do have the chemistry. We enjoy the same things. I wouldn’t dare to say “we’re perfect for each other”, but … yeah, there’s not really another sound scientific explanation. Otherwise the kiss wouldn’t have been so awkward for both of–

No, no, no not that memory again! Not now!

Focus, Peridot. Put on your glasses, throw on some nice clothes and– what should I wear? I can’t just give her the gifts in some old hoodie and ripped pants, can I? But slacks would be too official, that’d be weird … maybe a leisure dress? What am I saying, I don’t even own a dress.

Somehow I manage to climb out of bed, making my way to the wardrobe. My choices are pretty limited either way, as sad as it is. I usually don’t think about this stuff nearly as much, so why now?

Because it’s important. Because Lapis is important. Because I want this to work out perfectly. Damn it.

Okay, just anything light and playful and clean will do … playful?

I hold my favorite green plaid flannel in my hand … I can’t do this, I wear this every day. It should be at least somewhat special.

Hmm …

Oh, what the hell! What about that white simple tee with the little alien-heads pattern? Lapis got it for me for my birthday. I freeze.

Lov– liking somebody is complicated. Finding this perfect balance of lovely and thoughtful and real and– it’s scary.

“Peridot! Are you awake already?”, I hear my mom shouting up the stairs. Why does she– it’s just a little past 7 a.m.!

“Y-Yeah! Don’t worry!”, I answer and have no choice but take that shirt I’m already holding, plus some beige cargo pants. Suspenders? No, I decide. Too official. Too … nerdy.

School starts in less than an hour. I haven’t brushed my teeth, I haven’t decided on clothes until a moment ago, I haven’t written the card, I have to get over there, I gotta meet … her …

I don’t even have the time to fully shower, just holding my head beneath the water to make at least my hair look somewhat presentable. It’s still a mess. Whatever.

7:30 a.m. I leave through the front door, my bag thrown over my shoulder. Good thing I can be fast if I want or have to. ‘Fight or flight’ is a pretty well developed response mechanism of mine. Today I’ll be the early one at last. Gives me an opportunity to calm down until she arrives. Or freak out completely. Probably the latter one, let’s be honest.

It’s not really something we agreed on. It just … happened to be that way. For one of us to wait for the other in front of the school in the morning. Every morning. Our lockers are rather close, and over time it became sort of a routine to visit them together before our first period starts. I won’t be confess– giving her the gifts right at the beginning of the day though, that’d be too rushed. The plan is to wait for lunch break – one whole hour to go down the monologue I have somewhat prepared. Presenting the gift and giving her time to decide on her answer for the rest of the day …

Suddenly a rush of adrenaline enters my bloodstream, as I think about the bag I’m carrying … IT’S PRETTY VOID. WAY TOO FLAT FOR SOMETHING THAT SHOULD CARRY A TEDDY BEAR AT THE VERY LEAST.

I stop in place and practically rip open the fasteners.  And at that moment, all my fears come true.

I actually forgot them. At home. On my desk. Both the card and the teddy.

Not only that, but now I have to go back and get them. I will be late to school.

And I probably won’t be able to see Lapis until biology. THIS DEFINITELY DOESN’T EASE MY ANXIETY RIGHT NOW.

I turn on my heels and sprint the whole way back. What a great way to start the day! I was only half-way to school at least … maybe I won’t be necessarily late to the lecture, as long as I don’t stop at my locker. Meaning … definitely no Lapis … I hope she doesn’t worry about me or think I’m sick … why today of all days?! Usually I’m way more prepared than this … it’s that girl that just messes with my head, even if she’s not physically standing in front of me.

Falling through the door and stumbling up the stairs, I grab the plushie and card. My mom shouts something from the kitchen, I can’t make it out, don’t have the time either.

“Forgot something important! Bye again!”, I explain while running through the front door again and slamming it shut. 7:45 a.m.

Luck isn’t on my side, as I’m stopped by every single red light on the way to school. My lungs are killing me. My muscles are burning. I hate being late, that’s what drives me. Also the thought of disappointing Lapis, but that’d be way too embarrassing to admit. I didn’t say that, don’t know what you’re talking about.

7:54 a.m. … I … won’t … be … late … I don’t need my books anyway. At least for one lecture I can follow the content just fine. It’s just English. I already finished the book we’re dealing with at the moment. Just take some more notes than usual, it’ll be easy to get back on track later.

Green light. Just a few more meters …

A melody sounds from the side of my jacket, combined with slight vibrations it still serves to nearly make me jump. I slow down a little, as I try to get my phone out and check the caller id.

I gulp. Of course it’s her.

“Peri? Where are you?”, the familiar voice sounds over the speaker as soon as I hit the green button, “Are you sick?” Of course she worries. That’s just the person and friend she is.

My uncontained strained huffing probably doesn’t make things any better. I manage to mumble something about having overslept and running late – literally – and excusing myself for having to hang up right after. Just the heartfelt conversation you’d wanna have with your … crush …

As much as I’d lov– like to see her once I reach the school, I really do hope she got the hint to go on without me. I don’t want her to be late just because of me …

And still my heart aches a little when I reach the well-known steps, without her on top of it. 7:58 a.m. I have no time to dwell on it at the moment. Just get to the classroom as fast as possible. Better to reach there totally exhausted and gasping for air but being on time than presenting myself like that after the teacher has already closed the door. And all the other students have already settled down, ready to stare at me making my way down to my seat … I hate that imagine with a fiery passion. That can’t happen.

And it doesn’t, as I reach the door just as Mr. Universe was about to close it.

He just gives me an acknowledging nod as I slip into the room. To be fair, Mr. Universe is a cool teacher who wouldn’t be too harsh about me being a minute late … I still greatly appreciate my accomplishment of getting here on time, to avoid all the peoples’ stares …

Once I reach my desk, I pull out my notepad and a pen – since I don’t have any further materials anyway. Oh, don’t forget the card! Stashing it under the notepad for now …

Just as the teddy, it’s just … so … sickeningly adorable … and … punny

It was maybe a week back when I finally made the decision that this Valentine’s Day would be the day …

It wasn’t really a plan or a conscious decision at all. I saw this card as I was just randomly looking through them all one by one at the store … nothing but a plain baby-pink-ish background and a cute blue whale in the middle. It said “Whale you be mine?” in simple letters beneath it. And I just knew this was the one. It’s so … Lapis.

Her affinity to swimming and water.

Her love for cute, adorable colors and things and animals.

And her incomprehensible love for bad jokes and puns.

Why do I lov– like this girl again?

Anyway. It’s still empty inside.

I’m bad at stuff like this. That’s why I postponed writing it until now in the first place. I made some notes on my phone when I thought I had a great idea. But it all just seems so … staged. Artificial. I just can’t grasp these feelings I have and put them into proper words. It’s impossible. It doesn’t translate.

I hate this.

Can’t I just give her the card like this? I mean, it gets the message across, no?

I SHOULD HAVE USED A PICTURE OF US OR SOMETHING.

Maybe I could’ve alluded to one of our CPH marathons or something and slowly falling for–

That’s irrelevant right now. I didn’t think of it before. I don’t have a picture right now.

While having this hidden breakdown inside, my unconsciousness picks up Mr. Universe’s words and guides my hand to copy it onto the paper. Why isn’t writing the card that easy for me? I mean, expressing my views and feelings was never an easy task anyway, part of the reason why I always had difficulties connecting with others, but Lapis somehow managed to break that. Somehow, the words just … flow with her around. There’s no inner need for me to word things perfectly, because she knows. There’s no reprimanding myself for making a mistake, doubting myself or anything like that – because she understands.

After getting to know her, or better yet, after Steven introduced us to one another after our crash, her entire aura had that effect on me. I wouldn’t have believed it before, to be honest. She was this unreachable girl, not like those self-conceited popular girls and boys you would think of or hear from in stereotypical high school movies and such, but beautiful and well liked in the whole school still.

She’s the ace of the school’s swimming team, she’s well-mannered and adorable. Her clothing style is awesome without being too brand-heavy, and of course you just simply can’t overlook her bright, blue dyed short hair. Despite everything, she’s still rather shy. As a fellow shy person myself, I only really noticed it when getting to know her better. And with all that piercings in her ears and everything I mentioned, you wouldn’t suspect that in the slightest.

She’s a goof.

She’s a dork.

She has the cutest snort-laughter you will ever hear and the most soothing voice, especially while singing.

I notice my hand started drawing hearts on the paper, and I got nothing from the past few minutes of Mr. Universe’s monologue. Fudge …

My cheeks just turn a little bit redder, and nonchalantly I let the pen fall onto the paper.

What would I say, if society didn’t hold relationships and romantic feelings to such a high level? If it was just a fact you could talk to the other person about, like “Wanna hang out today?”, just instead of “today” it would be “every day” and “hanging out” including a deeper, somewhat exclusive, emotional depth … or something like that. To be honest, I never thought about what that would mean anyway. I never saw myself ever even getting close to a relationship. Starting by not being able to picture me falling for someone.

But it happened.

… if Lapis would be standing in front of me, and I was just about to ask her … if we were watching  ‘Camp Pining Hearts’ and arguing about Percy x Pierre vs. Paulette … she would sit beside me, and we would be making fun of all the cliché romance, of all the cheesy lines, but we would still gush over every second of it. Sometimes secretly, sometimes outright.

Hmm … the cheesiest way of asking someone out … on paper …

“Do you wanna be my Valentine? Please pick: Yes – No – Maybe”

I try to repress a snort. That’s the corniest crap I can think of.

…

I think it’s perfect.

She’ll make fun of me forever if I really go through with this.

My hands move on their own as I’m pulling the card from under the notepad and opening it. With my most beautiful handwriting I eternalize the letters onto the paper; leaving out the “please pick” part, and adding check boxes in front of the options.

I hope she has a pen with her … or maybe I … should I attach one to the teddy’s arm perhaps? Then I give her the bear, she’ll be taken aback by the message, and after I’ll give her the card, which is way more personal and the question I’m really asking is fleshed out, with her being able to answer it. Over the course of her last period, until school’s out.

That … does sound like a plan!

I take a moment to admire what I created. No idea how to present it to her; you can’t introduce something like this in a serious manner, neither can you really up the puniness or corniness. Or is it more of a question of “want”? Being able to make a fool of myself in front of the person I’m closest to in this whole wide world?

I’ll figure something out.

As soon as I see Lapis, the words will just flow.

I think.

I hope.

The school bell ringing tears me from my thoughts back to reality. Mr. Universe attempts to remind everyone of the assignment that is due in two weeks, while the first students are already standing up and leaving in a hurry.

I can’t believe I actually managed to spend the majority of the lesson not paying attention in the slightest. I’ll definitely have to get some notes from someone … Zandra maybe?

Non-existent books, my notepad and the ever so important card are stored away and I sling the bag over my shoulder, smiling at Mr. Universe and giving him a polite goodbye, before heading for my locker.

Finally! Some preparedness!

Opening my locker, I lighten up at the sight of all my books standing ready in alphabetical order, subdivided by subject – the subjects stacked in alphabetical order as well. On the inside of the door hangs my timetable – as if I didn’t already know it by heart. Granted, today, judging by how jumbled my thoughts are, it’s a great reminder nonetheless. History’s next. And after another short break … biology … where I have to … where I can face Lapis finally.

I let my gaze rest on the small ensemble of pictures beneath the timetable. Some of that day the whole group was going on some sort of “group date” – going to the movies and then out to eat right after. I can’t even remember what movie it was … but the trip to a restaurant with more than four people really was … something. Amethyst letting to pieces of fries hang out of her mouth and pretending to be a walrus in one picture sums up the evening perfectly in my opinion. The other is just all of us together in a booth. Steven insisted on having it taken by a waiter as to not exclude anyone. We should that more often …

At last, I can’t overlook that selfie Lapis took of us the first time we spend a whole weekend binging CPH at her place after I insisted she try it. Seriously, it’s such a cult-classic, how can someone not have seen it by now? We made pizza and only laid in bed all day. It was awesome. And if you didn’t know us, you wouldn’t even see the little spark of left over nervousness in my face.

Anyway, I get back to the task at hand, collecting the books and worrying.

How do I go about giving her the gifts anyway? Usually we would just walk to the cafeteria together and meet up with the others … my thoughts trail off, as I grab the few books, the ones for biology as well. So I don’t have to rush to this tract again between the periods. The teddy smiles at me from inside my bag …

“Hi Peri!”

I freeze immediately. How could I forget to anticipate that? Her lockers just down the hall …

Blood rushes to my cheeks and I fiddle with the fasteners of the bag to hide the plushie, although we’re separated by my locker door still. “Hi Lapis, how are you?”

Seem casual. Seem casual. Nothing unusual is happening.

It’s just Valentine’s Day and I’ve been dreading to tell you about these feelings I have for you for so long– Peridot, get a grip of yourself!

She finally appears in my peripheral vision, leaning onto the locker right beside mine. Still the door between us. Hide in your locker as long as possible, calm down! She’s wearing skinny jeans … CAN YOU STOP WITH THE GAY THOUGHTS FOR ONCE?

I pretend to still roam around my locker, rearranging books that don’t have to be rearranged. In fact, I’m messing up my whole system just for sake of it. I hate this …

“Fine … Mrs. Barriga did this really boring class, do you wanna know?”, her voice is just a little bit raspy. I hope she’s not getting sick or anything …

“Sure …”, there’s a pack of gums hiding behind a stack of books I haven’t used in a long time … was that one word response to harsh sounding??? “Shoot …”, I send after. Hopefully it didn’t sound weird … I tried my best to not speak to fast or slow or sad or bored or …

“We had math and spent 45 minutes trying to–“ How I wish we were in the same math class … would be an amazing excu– opportunity to learn together. I mean, I’m already helping her understand some formulas now and then, if she asks for it. But sitting together in the same classroom, being there and able to help in the heat of the problem. Being able to talk about the lesson itself, going to the classroom together, leaving together … we only share biology, which is only twice a week. And from what I can tell, she’s somewhat of a natural in that area; wildlife, nature and the workings behind them. Especially everything when it comes to aquatic life of course. Would be amazing to sit beside her, but we didn’t know each other when the seating order was finalized. ONCE! Once we have a teacher who doesn’t care about the order in the slightest and leaves it completely for us to figure out, and then this happens! Why is it so hard to figure out who you’re meant to be with, why can’t the red thread of fate be a physical manifesta– “explain this easy problem … are you listening to me, Peri?”

Nooo … “S-sounds fun”, I mean, she knows I’m cocky about math, right? That’s somewhat of a natural answer, at least for our relationship … right? I take a step back and close the door, so I can give her a reassuring smile at last.

There’s concern in her gaze; she can see right through me. Mayday!

I can’t, this is too much, she stares right into my sole with her mesmerizing eyes and my brain can’t handle it, can’t keep up with it. Heat is rising to my face. My knees give in and I sink to the ground. Hands over my cheeks, hiding my burning and flushing skin. Too hectic, fingerprints on my glasses.

Lapis is saying something. I can only make out mumbled mess, my ears are filled with growing white noise. I have to get out of here.

I need a minute to think.

My feet move on their own as I suddenly feel an adrenaline rush, that enable my muscles again. I’m running. Where? Dunno.

Steps behind me. Is Lapis following me? No, what am I doing …

I’m running against the stream of students, the break’s end is near … small collisions here and there, I don’t stop running though. I’m taking a corner. Somewhat in the direction I have to for next period anyway.

But I can’t go to class like this. I can’t. I need time to calm down.

The bathroom sign catches my attention. And before I know it, I find myself in a locked stall, sitting on the closed toilet – which I normally would never do, gross – hugging my legs close to my chest.

I ... just did that. I actually just did that.

I physically broke down. And then I ran away. Without a single word of explanation.

Away from Lapis, who's not only my crush, but my best friend first and foremost.

Shallow breathing. Calm down!

She probably worries a whole lot now … no, I probably hurt her … how could I have done something like that? Why couldn’t I keep this anxiety under control? It’s just Lapis at the end of the day … it’s not like I wanted to confess in that minute anyway …

But I want to confess. Today. Soon.

And now this whole ordeal stands between us … combined with the morning call and not being able to face her at that time!

I’ve ruined it, haven’t I? From start to finish. What is she thinking right now? What does she think … of me? I want to go back, I want to talk to her, I want to apologize for being this anxious and nervous all the freaking time … she will understand … won’t she?

Of course she will! She’s my best friend after all!

My heart is still pounding like crazy … if I could just hug her right now, then everything would be alright … having her near me, holding her close … she would pet my hair and would tell me that everything is going to be okay, like she always does … and the way she would say that in her calm and soothing voice would calm me down like nothing else could …

Just the thought of it serves to get my pulse to slow down again …

Deep and slow breathes …

No, it’s not all over or ruined. The school day isn’t even half-way over. I have plenty of time, even the lunch break is still to come. She knows how bad my anxiety can get sometimes. She will understand, won’t she? Yeah … she would. Because she’s a great person with way too much empathy for someone like me … it’s funny really … and so endearing, I could fall for her just for that to be honest.

I set my feet on the ground again and quickly roam through my bag for that water bottle to take a few sips out of – my whole throat always gets so dry when I’m panicking. Must be the heavy panting …

While stashing it away again, my gaze lands on the little presents.

I got this. This will be– well, not fun, at least not this prelude. Definitely not the prelude. I have to do this and I want to do this. I want us to … to be together? I definitely want her to know about how I’m feeling. We’ve been friends for so long and I can’t stand not being honest with her in this for much longer.

The card’s written, the plushie looks cute, both are decided upon with thorough consideration. They’re perfect. For her. For this day. For us.

Now all I have to do, is work up the courage.

I look at my wrist-watch. The unthinkable happened … I will be late for class. Just by maybe 20 minutes, but still. I hate this. But somehow, I’m void of the greatest fear, that I felt this morning. I’m way too accustomed to this – the calm after the storm? After a good cry-out session or a panic attack … it’s weird to describe.

The walk to the classroom isn’t far, especially without other students blocking the halls. When I arrive at the familiar door, I take a quick peek inside through the little window. Mrs. DeMayo is sitting behind her desk, all the others got their heads stuck in their books. Seems like today’s period is heavy on reading, thank gosh I had time to bring my books!

A quick look to the seats at the windowfront, and besides my empty chair sits a familiar, bored face. Bleached hair, that is usually long and voluminous, is tied up in a bun – to keep it out of her eyes when facing down for a long time probably. Seeing Amethyst, I let out a small sigh of relief. Maybe Lapis isn’t here to calm me down – actually she’s doing the complete opposite without even being here – but Amethyst always has some supportive words ready as well. Though mostly encrypted in slang terms and different form of body contact, ranging from high fives to way too enthusiastic hugs. Thankfully, she can’t do any of that during the lesson, so she’ll have to opt for boiling it down to her core messages. This has got to be interesting for both of us.

Although I don’t, never have and never will, use my privilege in being a straight A student and the teachers trusting me enough to not question me if I come late, or miss a day due to sickness or anything, it’s more than welcome this time. I open the door as quietly as possible, trying not to face the other students as they were sure to at least look up who’s entering. My eyes find Mrs. DeMayo as soon as possible and as I’m making my way to the other side of the room, I shortly stop at her desk to apologize for arriving so late. She just answers with the wave of her hand and a dismissive nod, focusing back on the papers in front of her. Maybe tests to grade or the teaching plan or something.

I get to my desk and am thankful to see that all my fellow students refrained from staring, again being enveloped by the interesting literature beneath them. Most likely I’m the only one who thinks like that, but we’re probably all agreeing that it’s more captivating then a Peridot coming late and getting to her desk. Except for Amethyst that is, who is sneakily handing me a small sheet of paper upon arrival.

“From page 179 forward”, she mutters to me, as I’m getting out my book and utensils. Flipping open to the chapter she told me to, I quickly get that it deals with absolutism and the Age of Enlightenment. Seemingly nothing I haven’t read up on already. So I can fully give my attention to Amethyst. I feel a little guilty that I’m keeping her from reading and learning, but I promise myself to go over it with her once we have the time.

_A: Where were you? You’re never late_

_P: Minor panic attack in the bathroom you know …_

A glance to the front; Mrs. DeMayo isn’t paying attention. I really don’t like doing this, but desperate times …

I search eye contact with Amethyst, to inconspicuously let the piece of paper glide into her hand under the desks. She reads the short note and gives me a concerned look, quickly scribbling her answer under mine and handing it back.

_A: Everything ok, dude? What happened?_

_P: Well …_

I leave the paper for a moment and stare out of the window, contemplating. How open should I be with her? She knows about my crush on Lapis for some while now … but not about my plan to confess. Nobody does. Not even me; I wasn’t really convinced I wanted to do this, until a few days ago, when the date was approaching and when I saw that teddy on a counter while grocery shopping and immediately thinking of Lapis … the card was an afterthought yesterday. And yesterday also was the day I made up my mind about going through with it.

On the note I add:

_P: … you know what day it is, no? And I was kinda planning to tell Lapis something …_

The piece of paper changes owners again, and I bend down to get my bag and fish out the card to answer the wide-eyed stare Amethyst would give me after reading that.

And I wasn’t let down. I think I never saw her that perplexed before, and that’s saying something, considering she very rarely shuts up – except for in school and sitting in a lesson clearly – and always has some clever line for every situation. If this was going down any other time, I would smirk or just flat out dissolve into a fit of laughter. If I wasn’t just as surprised and  paralyzed as well, that is.

Slyly, I hold up the card just a little, and her stare turns into a wide grin when she faces back down to answer me in writing, practically shoving the piece in my face right after. I really hope she can calm down, or Mrs. DeMayo will definitely notice something, even though she’s not the slightest bit aware right now as far as I can tell.

_A: SRSLY?! THAT’S SO AMAZING! SHE’LL SAY YES FOR SURE! I TOLD YOU!!!_

Caps-lock really doesn’t have the same effect in script than it does online … but mixed with her physical reaction just now, I can practically hear her voice fall all over herself in my mind. A smirk appears on my lips, as I think about how to phrase my answer. The remaining space becomes even more spare, this is really an awful way of communicating from every perspective ever.

_P: yeah, I plan to … but when I was actually facing her at our lockers just now, I froze and ran away … it’s so scary …_

A sharp pain stings in my heart at the memory. And a small frown appears on Amethyst’s forehead, too.

_A: Dude, everything’s going to be fine! I’ve told you you’re perfect for each other from the day you started hanging out together!_

_P: Which was very weird at that time to be honest._

_A: Look who’s talking now, lovebird_

That girl ... I’m really happy I don’t have to hear that out loud right now.

When I can’t think of a fitting answer and because we already wrote on both sides of the paper, Amethyst quietly rips out another small piece out of her notepad and hands it to me.

_A: When are you going to give her that?_

_P: I thought about lunch break … our next class before that is biology, so it’d be perfect for me to guide her to some place private after that and have a talk. Give her time to think over everything until the end of the school day._

Biology’s next. I haven’t thought about that. I will have to face her during that. And there won’t be enough time to explain what happened – how would I even try to explain that? A cold shudder runs down my spine and my breath picks up again. Just a little.

Amethyst seems to take notice of that.

_A: For real, P. it’ll be okay.  If you want, I can walk you to the biology tract, keeping you company and cheering you on!_

She gives me the note with a sympathetic smile.

Mrs. DeMayo stands up and continues the lesson with collecting the key points from the text on the chalkboard. I answer Amethyst with a smile, putting the pieces of paper in my pocket, since I want to at least try to follow one lesson today. We can talk after anyway, I don’t want to admit how much I like the idea of her leading me to the next class, but it really does help to stabilize me and calm down my heartbeat again. Maybe concentrating on history will also do its part of easing my nerves. It’s not even 11 a.m. yet and I feel like my heart has suffered through the equivalent of several marathons already.

And it does. Thinking and talking about other peoples’ conflicts takes my mind off of my own. At least for about an hour, until the bell rings and Amethyst wastes no time to swing her arm around my shoulder and lead me to the science tract.

After getting my mind and muscles to relax for an hours straight, I now begin to tense up again. With every single step. And it doesn’t get past my companion.

“You got this, P.!”, she shout-whispers right into my ear and I twitch a little.

“I’m not so sure …” The anxiety starts rising again. Not enough to make me want to run, but it’s … not fun.

We’re passing a few students, some guy is handing his – presumably – girlfriend a small box decorated with a pink bow on top. I can’t see what’s in it as we don’t stop walking, but turning my head back, I can see the girl clasping her hands in front of her mouth, her eyes sparkling.

Would Lapis react that way? What will be her initial response, apart from the answer I’m waiting for at the end of the day? I wonder …

Amethyst’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts again. “I have no single doubt in my mind that she will welcome a cutely awkward confession from her favorite little gremlin!” Amethyst.

Without thinking, I hold my hand in front of her mouth to make her shut up immediately. “Shhh! Not so loud, for Christ’s sake!”

She’s way stronger than me, and it’s an easy task for her to drag my arm down again. “Sorry, but looking at it from the outside, you guys practically look like a couple already anyway. Always close, always smiling and swooning at each other, practically cuddling every other day.” I can’t tell if she’s teasing or if she’s serious, but either way it serves to enrage me and get me flustered, fastening my walking speed.

“C-Can you not? We’re not. Not even close. We’re just friends. And that’s it–“

“But isn’t the whole point of confessing that you don’t want it to be ‘just friends and that’s it’?” She smirks.

Why did I think talking with Amethyst about this was a good idea?

I reach the open classroom, her just a few steps behind me.

A quick look inside; her seat’s empty. She’s not here yet.

I feel a hand grabbing my shoulder suddenly, turning me around and find myself in a bear hug from Amethyst. “I believe in you, you know? And should the unlikely happen and she really does turn you down, I’m here for you, okay? But that won’t happen. Trust me.”

The hug loosens and we look at each other; she gives me a genuine smile. Not the slightest hint of sarcasm or teasing or … anything.

I reciprocate the smile, though doubts still try to chomp at my decision, and pull her in for another short hug. “Thanks, Ame. I call you later when it’s all done. And now get to your classroom, you don’t have to be late just because of me!”

Amethyst lets go of me and walks in the opposite direction, not without turning around a last time though. “I, contrary to you, don’t mind being a little fashionably late, nerd!”

She sticks out her tongue. “Yeah, I think your teachers will appreciate that!”, I shout after her, but hear no response.

This is it then. I turn and get into the classroom, take my seat and get all my utensils out yet again. My watch tells me it’s still 5 minutes until class officially starts. Our teacher is already preparing everything in the front, while more and more students enter.

But not Lapis.

Me looking at my watch becomes progressively more frequent. Every 30 seconds. Every 20 seconds. Every 10 seconds. I tap my pen on the paper rapidly, taking off my watch and placing it beside my notepad so I can stare at it continuously.

The teacher moves to the door behind me to close it. The bell rings. Well, that’s it then.

Did something happen? Am I the reason she chose not to–

A blue glimmer. Her familiar scent, always a slight hint of chlorine, reaches my nose as she rushes to her seat, passing from behind me. My heart jumps a little from relief … and pure happiness. For a full moment.

She doesn’t look over at me like she normally does. On the one hand, I’m pretty thankful for it, it would make it even harder not talking to her the whole lesson, having to wait till the end … on the other hand, it hurts. Just a tiny bit. The thought of her being worried – or worse …

I direct my head to the front, watching our teacher, switching it up with looking down to my notes and the book … only to throw some glances in Lapis’ direction now and then. Subtle. What a charmer I am.

And an even better friend …

It’s really hard to keep an optimistic outlook, when there’s something eating you. That something being a massive miscommunication with your best friend, who’s currently not even paying attention to the lesson as it seems. From the few glances I allow myself, she’s either looking into her notes or staring out of the window. Biology’s one of her utmost favorite subjects, there has to be something up with that … and considering how I acted, I can guess what it could be, at least partly …

Lapis is a more quiet person, tending to suffer internally and bottling everything up, until she’s ready to talk to someone whom she has a lot of trust for. Sadly I’m the same … but we fell into a healthy way of dealing with little fights like that, I think. Mostly through openness and directness … apart from the fact that we never really had any big fights to begin with.

This whole day goes against that principle though, she must have noticed, too. Does she feel like out trust is broken? Oh gosh, I could’ve gone without breaking down at least and everything would’ve been just half as bad …

I continue taking my notes …

I will have to catch her after the lesson and immediately set it straight. And no more fights after that, I can’t stand it … absolute openness and trust.

The bell rings after a whole lot more of going back and forth about how Lapis is probably hating me right in this moment and how I have to prepare for getting to my knees and ask her for forgiveness probably. Followed by telling myself what a load of crap that is and that I shouldn’t look down on myself and our friendship so much. Followed by reminding myself of what I have done.

Not too much fun. The whole lesson seemed like an eternity, especially with Lapis toned down energy right there in front of me.

I quickly gather up my books and notepad in my bag, stepping outside the classroom to wait for her.

A look back to check how far she had gotten …

Blue eyes, just like the ocean, are staring back right into mine for the friction of a second. My mind short-circuits.

Somehow I find myself running a lot today … and somehow it’s because of the very same reason each and every time.

Lapis.

I’m not even panicking anymore. It’s a dull feeling of fear that paralyzes and represses all other emotions. I can’t put it into words. My body just moves. Away. Away from the classroom, away from Lapis.

With every step I can feel my bag hit against my thighs. An irrational burning sensation from the knowledge that inside are the gifts I was supposed– that I wanted to give to Lapis. Right now.

Tears start to burn in my eyes. I keep running. Following the stream of students in direction of the cafeteria. But I won’t stop there. Lapis will go there. All the others will be there.

What is my plan anyway?

I pass the cafeteria, while running I look inside and catch a glimpse of Steven and the others. They don’t notice me, I’m too fast and too quiet, the hall’s too crowded. I can just vanish.

Reaching the next staircase, my strained huffing overtakes me and I have to take a break. I manage to reach the halfway point of the stairs, when they form a platform and go the other direction further up. I nearly collapse right there on the steps.

My view goes through the massive window in front of me. It’s such a beautiful day. The sky is blue, sun is shining, just a few white and fluffy clouds hiding some patches.

I hug myself, turning into an even smaller ball than usually. My breath is shivering, but I gulp down the tears.

This is so freaking stupid … I hate this.

Deep breath in … and out …

I got this …

I stand up straight in a sweep motion.

I got this.

Slowly I make my way down the stairs to the cafeteria.

And I stop right by the window front, sneaking a look inside, I immediately spot her striking blue hair …

She has it put up in a bun to eat, just like she always does. It shows off the length of her toned neck … and her several piercings … helixes, I believe they’re called? Not my world, but it fits her perfectly. More than perfect.

Okay, yeah, it’s– dare I say it? It’s hot. There.

I’m not a saint. I’m not only in love with her because she’s the best friend and person I have ever known, because she’s always there for me and our personalities match so well, and we like a lot of the same stuff and it’s just so easy to talk to her … she’s also pretty visually appealing to me. I admit it.

The sleeves of her complementary purple sweatshirt rolled up to her elbows – not showing off her biceps, but I’ve seen it enough times to know how well-built she is. Same with the black skinny jeans hugging her long legs …

I shake my head to get my thoughts back on track, also retreating from the window.

I … I think I’ve made up my mind. I … will do this. But not now. I want to take the time and think about what to say, what to do – planning is what I do best anyway.

My way leads me back to the stairs. I’ve been here many times in situations like this … well, more like the one before, when anxiety and loneliness and sadness used to get me down and I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. It’s just the hall down from the cafeteria, a few steps away from the library. The view outside to the schoolyard is nice and just staring out helps me to calm down most of the times … I love the library, but logically I can’t cry or generally have a breakdown in there, but it’s reassuring that it’s so close …

I stopped coming here regularly once I hit it off with Ame and Steven and the others. It happened only once or twice every other month for a long time. It stopped completely when I met Lapis, though …

Such a dumb story really. Running into each other in the halls, falling for her – literally, that is. We crashed and fell to the ground. I just quickly mumbled an apology and left. Had a bad conscious ever since, but couldn’t bring myself to go up to her. Too shy. And she, being the popular girl, always seemed so high and mighty to a worm like me … about a week later, Steven introduced us officially, saying he couldn’t bear us being sorry any longer. Turns out Lapis was just as sorry about the whole ordeal and just as shy about talking to me about it, cause she didn’t even know my name.

I didn’t even know she was friends with Steven, haven’t seen them together before – maybe they weren’t up to that point, but that boy just has a thing of hitting it off with everyone in the blink of an eye, I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe I should ask him sometime.

It still was so awkward at first … she started hanging around our friend group at lunch, but still used to be pretty quiet most of the times. One day, exactly the day after the CPH season finale, the topic of ships somehow came up and, surprisingly to the whole group, she actually became pretty vocal when discussing with me. At first I wasn’t used to anyone doubting my well thought-through opinions – because I was the only one watching the series – but after hearing her out and continuing, I had to admit it was pretty refreshing to have your beliefs questioned and discussed with someone who’s equally as enthusiastic about said topic.

It just … went from there. Talking more frequently, even outside of lunch, then outside of school. Meeting outside of school – mostly to watch CPH, but at some point our spectrum of activities also included going swimming in the summer – after Lapis moved Heaven and Earth to try to convince me. It was … cute …

But to be honest, I never even considered the possibility of this draw to her being more than friendship or best friendship. Until about the hundredth time I had to defend Percy x Pierre to her, and she made some joke about him being bi, which led to her “coming out” to me. She didn’t see it as that, since I discovered later that she wasn’t too shy about that side of her, at least to the people she does talk to. It just … never came up with me. And I’m not up-to-date with any sort of gossip whatsoever.

That was the point in our relationsh– friendship, when I consciously thought about her in a relationship sense. Not even with me in the picture, but just generally about the possibility of her having a boyfriend. Or girlfriend.

And to say the least, I wasn’t too happy with those thoughts … I just couldn’t put my finger on it as to why. It just didn’t feel right.

Back in reality, I pull out the teddy from my bag and stroke its fur with my fingertips. A calm really settled in, thinking about all that … as if I was re-confirming my feelings to back-up the decision I came to and the actions I’m trying to go through with.

I never cared for her lips that much. If it wasn’t for the words coming out of it, she had and has many amazing features. Her eyes, all the piercings, her athletic body, the blue hair …

They only entered my mind just a few weeks back. It was the break over winter and New Year’s. We met up to exchange Christmas gifts, nothing too out of the ordinary, something friends would normally do.

I remember sitting at my laptop in bed, not really paying attention as she got ready to go home. When she moved closer to give me a peck on the cheek as goodbye, I turned my head to return the favor …

It … happened … neither of us really registered our mistake for a few seconds, until it hit us and you could feel the awkwardness rising, you could practically touch it. Just saying our goodbyes even quicker and … ignoring each other until school started again early January? And you can probably imagine the awkwardness still carrying over after you stopped talking to your best friend for a couple of weeks.

Well, we got over it and never talked about it since. Secretly I couldn’t stop thinking about it though. And the rest is history … with me figuring out what I want and buying these gifts and … yeah, now we’re here.

And suddenly … it just clicks.

I think I just figured out how to present the question. Probably won’t get the words out as smoothly … but I think that really is it. Personal, not in any way artificial or constructed, just truthful and heartfelt enough to come straight out of CPH. I’ll be waiting for her in front of the school. Maybe we can go to the nearby park … there’s a small pond, Lapis would definitely like it. It’s the perfect weather, and it will only be the two of us, no distractions, no time limit.

It’s decided.

The bell rings; lunch time’s over. I’ll probably regret not eating anything later, but I needed this. Time to think, away from home, away from anyone. Lapis will reprimand me for it though, I know it.

I squeeze the plushie a little and stuff it back into my bag, standing up and making my way to my own math class. Usually I’m looking forward to the lesson, especially as a last stand between me and the weekend, but this time I can’t wait for it to end and go through with my plan.

 

Amethyst had already passed me, having to run for her bus. She still managed to ask how everything went, and I gave her a smile and repeated that I’d text her later. Saying goodbye to Steven and Garnet, and searching the waves of students for that unforgettable shade of blue. I even climbed the massive stone fence to have a better view over the masses of people.

The first buses took off, the bicycle stands cleared and fewer and fewer people left the entrance.

My newfound determination started to crumble, bit by bit …

A look to my phone reveals no new messages, no status updates …

I walk to the nearby parking lot and see the first teachers drive away as well. No sign of Lapis’ parents’ car, neither of them. I’m not really into cars – to be honest, they all kind of look the same to me, if they’re not outstandingly bigger or smaller or have an exceptional color – but if I can identify one, except for my mom’s, it’s theirs. I was at her place too often and vice versa, we rode it together enough times.

Back at the school’s entrance, no students at all are standing on the stairs in front, and I can see none in the entrance hall through the windows. They’re all standing in front of the bus stations, but I still can’t see her …

This can’t be happening … I know I should’ve done this sooner, but … I didn’t think we wouldn’t see each other before the weekend …

That makes me think … if I can’t confess today, the whole weekend will separate us, if I don’t go out of my way to ask her to meet up … and what if she doesn’t have time? Do I want to be the person that’s confessing a few days after valentine’s day? I would just serve the fact that I wasn’t brave enough on a silver platter …

I wait another 20 minutes, until the whole school and parking lot has emptied completely. Everyone’s eager to start the weekend, understandable. But especially after how our interactions went today … would Lapis go out of her way to evade me? I wouldn’t blame her if I’m being honest …

Another look at my phone – nothing … a deep sigh forms in my throat as I stuff it into my pocket.

Why didn’t I just … you know what?

I’m so freaking tired of this anxiousness. The whole day I’ve been a bundle of nervousness. Despite having made the decision to go through with this already. Despite thinking it all over at lunch and despite still coming to the same conclusion. I wanted this. I want this now.

It’s just a little bit after 4 p.m. on Friday. It’s still Valentine’s Day. It’s not too late if I just … get to it!

She doesn’t live too far away, I don’t have anything important to get to right now – there’s nothing holding me back but myself.

Still a little hesitant, I take the first steps into the opposite direction of my house. Towards Lapis.

And without even realizing it, I find myself running again. Love is a battlefield? Feels more like gym to me …

Mind clouded by thoughts of apologies, by sweet words I want her to hear, by worries and fear of her expression, by hurt over how I treated her today. I hope she can forgive me.

Despite everything, my determination still stands.

And it only serves to make me push through my aching legs, my dry lung, the feeling of my heart hammering in my chest like never before, except for the realization that I have kissed Lapis Lazuli, my best friend, and have fallen for her, all those weeks ago.

Just a few more blocks …

Suddenly I feel a rough pull on my arm …


	3. It seems that my Heart has finally gone and told on me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Collaborate Chapter by AlexVaz01 & MyFairAlice

Like coming off a roller-coaster and trying to get used to the solid ground underneath your feet again, Peri and Lapis struggle to focus on anything except the two of them. They’re in the middle of the sidewalk, but everything stops existing in that moment. Any passerby, every sound of rushing cars or people talking.

It’s like a scene ripped straight from a movie or a Netflix series, the eerie silence you feel when the voices and noise of everyone around you start to mute down, becoming just a buzzing in the back of your conscience; It’s just background noise, but not the kind that you hear outside when you’re strolling along, it’s the kind of background noise you hear when you see a movie and both characters are about to confess their feelings.

Lapis and Peridot, locking eyes and looking away again, Lapis’s tanned fingers losing their strength and letting Peri’s arm go as they awkwardly throw little glances at each other, not a word in the air, not a syllable pronounced, their eyes trying to look around but coming back to each other’s bodies, just for them to fly away as soon as the streams cross paths.

It is like trying to stop the unavoidable, the talk they need to have, right there - right here, right now.

But no words come through their throats.

Peridot keeps fidgeting with her fingers, her satchel slipping off her shoulder and falling carelessly but slowly to the ground. The blue haired girl in front of her hiding a hand in her neck, ruffling the strands of hair in the back.

Then it all happens way too fast for any outsider or even themselves to comprehend. It’s the need for clearance. Not only concerning the “fight” they uphold the whole day - not daring to think of it as the simple misunderstanding it was, in fact -, but their own individual feelings that were kept hidden for so long. It’s bubbling deep inside of them like a kettle, exploding like a volcano and melting like hot iron.

“I LIKE YOU!!” Both voices ring at the same time through the streets, echoing off the walls. Or maybe it is just in their heads, but the extent they feel is real ...

The sound takes a few seconds to reach the other’s ears.

They both blush immediately, flaring up like Christmas trees.

Somehow eye contact becomes even more of a struggle for the both of them, the air is filled with the irregular panting of both running for their lives mere seconds before. Lapis thoughts are filled with a surge of incomplete questions, while Peri’s mind is overtaken only by incomprehensible screeching - both with the underlying question of what to make of the three words the other just screamed. It’s still too general for either of them to fully grasp or accept the obvious intent.

In the blink of an eye a familiar scene plays out as Peridot sinks to the ground. If it hadn’t been as fast and controlled - in contrast to the first time it had happened today -, Lapis would’ve probably felt a little shock at least. But Peri is back on her feet in no time, presenting the plushie she bought and kept all that time.

No words, no eye contact - instead, a lot of blushing, pouting, and nearly stuffing the teddy into Lapis’ face. A moment passes, then a second one, while Lapis takes in the message written over the bear’s belly. Peri’s eyes find her face once she hears some snickering and giggles from the bluenette, before she carefully takes the plushie. It’s the most calming sound Peridot has heard all day, and it serves to make her heart flutter and eyes widen.

Now it’s Lapis’ turn to go to her knees and take off her backpack, to rummage around it. Peridot’s unbelieving stare still straight ahead to where her mesmerizing eyes were just moments ago. Diving up again, Lapis holds two roses between her fingers - one blue, one green.

Taken aback just a little, Peri wastes a thought about the unnatural coloring - she knew that it was possible to dye rose petals, she just never saw it in real life. All that stops, though, when Lapis stretches her arms to present them further.

It’s just the realization that they are actually a gift meant for her, Peri’s mind is sputtering, but it keeps going, thinking about the most random things, from the price to Lapis buying them, to the question of how she kept them, how did she store them? And are they even safe, is the dye toxic? Maybe Lapis is sick because of it, but… But trying to evade the one simple fact.

These two roses are meant for her.

She just does it involuntarily, her hand moving by themselves and grabbing the flowers, dodging the hard thorns but placing her fingers over them, she can feel Lapis’ presence just looming so close, their fingers never touching but the static present, like a sea of atomic reactions happening between their hands, being in such a fragile equilibrium, any kind of movement can shake it off.

Her eyes travel from the roses to Lapis’ eyes, blue meets green, just like the roses, and the time just… stops.

There are no people walking past them, no cars traveling, the sun is not in the sky anymore, air isn’t flowing - it’s like someone put everything on pause, to a still moment; even the birds in the sky aren’t flapping their wings anymore.

And Lapis opens her mouth, a symphony of sirens leaving her lips.

“I wish I had words to describe what you make me feel… I told myself I would invent them, but I fall short every time I try… Because I just can’t describe it. I long for you, I want you, I’m your friend and your confidant, I wanna be so much more, I like you… I really do… but it’s also so much more that I can’t put into words… Peridot…”

The last sounds of her name hang in the sky; the blonde girl can see in her peripheral vision how Lapis turns red, even more so than she already was when she first realized the words that came through her mouth, their eyes disconnect due to the spell, they are no longer crossed, but they linger on each and every feature of the other they can feast upon, their looks, their actions and reactions to everything that’s happening as the people start moving again, as the cars start to drive off and the birds flap once more. The world continues to turn.

“Do you like m-... It?” Lapis’s quiet voice can be picked up just barely over the background noise.

The answer is as simple as it is obvious, screaming at Peridot from the back of her mind - but not getting through to her tongue. One word. Three letters. Not able to pass.

Until she remembers. And as quick as the thought crossed her mind, she’s above her bag again, lovingly putting the flowers stems-first into it and pulling out - with quivering hands and fingers - the punny piece of cardboard.

Mute as ever, she hands it over to the girl standing in front of her, less forceful than with the plushie, but just as determined.

Slowly reaching out, Lapis can already make out the cover and lets out a surprised snort, prompting Peri to turn an even darker shade of red. If that’s even possible. She’s inspecting it with the utmost care, while the blonde becomes more and more anxious by the millisecond. That’s not even the personal part, it’s not even the content she tortured her brain to think of all day. It results in her making a hectic motion with her hands, encouraging the other to open the damn thing.

The written lines are short and straight to the point, also well-known since they’re so corny. As soon as her hands open the card, giggling fills her once again, a hand over her mouth to try and stop it.

It’s a surreal sight for Peridot. One she didn’t expect, and one she can’t really wrap her mind around at the moment, too fixated on the anxiety of Lapis ticking “no” or something.

Instead, she feels something warm wrapping around her hand, Lapis pulling it close to her chest - and pulling their whole selves closer in the process. “I … could pull out a pen right now and tick the box I want to … or ... I could simply show you my answer …”

Peridot gulps.

“So … what’s your answer …?”, she manages to get out, voice hitching at every second word, gaze locked on Lapis’ blue eyes, which are still staring down at their intertwined hands.

Lapis’ other hand, that has been holding the card, is draped over Peri’s shoulder. The blonde feels like she might die at every second now.

The swimmer’s face moves up just a little to align with the blonde’s, their eyes finally meeting each other. “Ask me again”, she whispers. It sends a shiver down Peri’s spine.

Where is this going. They’re so close. Just inches apart, the other one’s breath softly hitting each other’s lips.

Lapis’s blue eyes focus on Peridot’s and there’s this spark, it’s like a crisp one that’s just stirring up the fire, getting them closer and closer, the breaths feel so intimate and yet so distant, they are both with blank minds, but also freaking out, but also drowning in the overheating air, it’s literally just their breath back and forth from one heart to the other, even this puff of nothingness is filled with meaning, with need, with want, with desires, with the unsaid words, with the screams at the same time.

They are just so close.

But something doesn’t let them push further, it’s a trance, it’s like a game of chicken where the price is to touch each others’ lips, just so carefully yet so perfectly, it’s the calm before the storm, it’s an unasked question, saying “Is this ok? Will this work for us?”, it’s insecurity, it’s fear, but it’s also confidence for each other. It’s the answer, it’s a plea, do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

“Just do it”, they think in unison as they are so close but they can’t seem to finish it.

Just one more inch.

“Do you wanna be my Valen-” Peri asks, shyly, red, not ready enough to kiss her, but just wanting that, it’s like an ice breaker, it’s like opening the dam’s doors … but the blonde is cut short by soft lips hitting her own, closing the distance, filling those damned inches with herself.

She doesn’t notice Lapis leading their intertwined hands to her cheek, leaving the blonde’s hand at the ever so warm and beautiful skin, and guiding her other, unoccupied hand to her hip. When she can finally drape her second arm around Peri’s shoulders, she takes hold of her neck, pulling them even closer. Her head is tilted, dipped to reach the shorter of the two.

It’s chaste, it’s deep, it’s full of meaning. It’s a simple kiss, their lips touching and their eyes closed, all other senses heightened, Peridot can feel Lapis’ heartbeat, it’s picking up, it’s slowing down, it’s a circus just like hers, it doesn’t know how to react just to this touch, just the simplest of kisses. The blue haired girl can feel her own hands, crawling behind the blonde’s neck and dipping her even lower, as if to keep her in the kiss. Neither of them open their lips, neither of them need to, they just need to feel the pressure of each other’s skin against their own, their noses move a bit with their faces tilting and they collide, it’s not painful, it’s passionate but slow, it’s methodical but so lovely.

It’s everything they wanted. And more.

It’s pure, it’s short but it seems like hours, it’s Peridot’s first kiss and she can’t help but want so much more of this, it’s Lapis’ first time that her heart aches just with the sweetness of the moment, and she wants to part her lips open, but also not break this sweet, sweet spell.

Peridot separates their mouths, with a mighty need for air as she gasps, panting like all the times she has ran this day, this time her body doesn’t ache, it just pulsates, it just trembles like her heart, it feels hot but also… Like this is where she belongs, as if she belongs between the blunette’s arms, cuddling into Lapis’ body, the swimmer’s whole self drowning her, her hands on her back, her bodies pressed up together, their foreheads touching.

“Will you be my Valentine, too?” Lapis whispers between heavy breaths

Peri’s mind is racing over a mile a second. “With you …”, her eyes find Lapis’, a smirk on her lips, “I would even do the three-legged race.” Truth be told, that was the only two-person activity she could think of in that moment.

“Speaking of …”, Lapis represses another giggle at the ridiculous line combined with Peri’s ‘serious’ expression, “baby, do you wanna come to my place and watch some Camp Pining Hearts?”

There’s nothing to add to Peri’s blush at that moment, it’s just cementing it further. The reality of the situation catching up to her, she can’t do anything but mumble her answer and avoid Lapis smirking gaze again, hand still on her cheek, “S-sure …”

Disentangling themselves from each other - which is a wholly awkward process in itself -, they’re picking up their bags. Peri is taking out the roses again, as to not damage them inside the satchel.

Side by side, they’re walking the familiar way towards the Lazuli home. And feeling the thorns stroking the inside of her palm, Peri becomes more and more aware of how empty the other is … hanging loosely, just inches away from the girl that just sucked the life out of her lips. All these thoughts, giving her flushed cheeks no break to calm down.

But somehow, over all the anxiety, all the giddiness and excitement … cockiness gains the upper hand inside of her. Just this once.

Without a second thought, without analyzing all the pros and cons like she usually would, she just grabs Lapis’ hand and lets her thumb run slow circles over her skin.

A cold shudder goes down the swimmer’s spine, but she does good in hiding it behind a content smile. Only betrayed by the shared blush all across her face.

And just like that, they walk into the sunset - or more like the late afternoon sun. The only thing missing: the maple-leafed fade-out, just like in their favorite Canadian teenage drama series.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, happy Valentine’s Day!  
> Hope yours is going as well as Lapis’ and Peri’s! <3
> 
> This has been a collaboration by  
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexVaz01/pseuds/AlexVaz01 (alexvaz01.tumblr.com) &  
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFairAlice (someonebutnotyou.tumblr.com)
> 
> Also the fic’s title, the title of chapter 3, and just the overall tone and idea were inspired by the song “A Little Love” by Meaghan Smith!
> 
> ALSO also, the physical depiction of Peri and Lapis are heavily inspired by bibinella’s (bibinella.tumblr.com) human versions of the two. ESPECIALLY one of their works in particular: http://bibinella.tumblr.com/post/152029059106/peri-cant-function
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
